Talking to Nature

So, I loved The Artist's Way class so much that I signed up to take the second session of the class called "Visionquest." The object of the class is to come up with a life mission statement and then come up with a visionquest that you want to work on for the 10-week session.

All good.

Until this week's class which was a little bit, as my friend Susan's mom says, California fruits and nuts.

So after leading us in a walking meditation, which already was pushing my envelope, Marla (our instructor) tells us to walk outside and pick up something from nature. So I did. I saw some pretty yellow flowers in the median on the street and crossed the street and picked five of them.

We brought them back in and put them on a table. I have to admit it looked kinda cool with rocks and flowers and leaves and palm fronds - very artsy.

Then came the zinger. "Pick up your nature object and find a quiet place in the room where you can sit down with your nature object and hear what it has to tell you about your visionquest and write down what it says to you."

What??? I'm supposed to have a chat with my nature object. I don't think so. But, I picked up my five now dead yellow flowers and my notebook and found a space in the room.

Then I stared at my dead yellow flowers. They were not talking to me. Quiet as church mice. Quieter in fact - they were dead. I looked around. My fellow classmates were busy scribbling away like their nature objects were giving them the secret to life or at least a bestselling novel.

Then I spied an ant. And started to squash it with my pen but Marla is Buddhist and doesn't like to kill anything so I thought I'd be respectful of that. So I just watched it, making sure it didn't get on me by putting my pen in its path whenever it got too close. Hmmm. Maybe the ant could be my nature object. So I stared at the ant some more.

Then it came to me. So I scribbled a few lines down and that was that.

Then we all put our nature objects in a pile in the middle of the room and sat around it and a candle like a campfire and shared what our nature objects had told us.

When it came my turn, I told everyone how my flowers weren't speaking to me because they were sleeping (I decided not to say dead) but instead I found a little ant. I told them that the ant told me to stay on course and not let any obstacle get in the way of my visionquest and that like the ants in the ant hill, I should be sure to have a strong support system always at hand. And if I persevere and stay true to my mission statement, I will be successful in my visionquest.

I kid you not, the whole class oohed and aahed and nodded their heads like I had just revealed a great and profound truth.

California nuts and fruits.

Cows Chew Cud, Britney Chews Gum

I wanted to feel sorry for her, I really did. I wanted to watch 'the' interview and come away with a new sensitivity for Britney Spears. I wanted to believe that she was just 'misunderstood' and that the press was being cruel to her. I really, really tried.

But I didn't. In fact, all of my preconceived ideas about the queen of trash were confirmed. She had the chance of a lifetime to set the record straight and what did she do? She chewed a big, honkin' wad of gum throughout the entire interview. Matt Lauer even made a comment about it in one of his segment intros. She chewed gum.

Hello!?! Does she not have a publicist??? Never mind that her skirt was so short that I was prepared for a "Basic Instinct" shot at any minute. Never mind that her boobs were falling out of her shirt and I was just waiting to see a wardrobe malfunction at any minute. Never mind that she defended herself for driving with Sean Preston in her lap, or tried to make us believe that she cleans toilets and that her marriage is heavenly. Never mind all of that.

SHE CHEWED GUM THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE INTERVIEW!!!!

I guess it's true that money doesn't buy class.